Monthly Archives: July 2007

Damn funny jokes

 
Separated from his travel group in the Sahara Desert, a tourist begged a passing nomad for water. "Sorry," said the tribesman. "I have no water, but I do have a selection of lovely ties for sale.""You must be crazy," the tourist replied. Close to death from thirst, he saw another nomad. "Water!" he gasped. "Give me some water.""I have no water," came the reply, "only these handsome ties that I’d be glad to sell you."The tourist stumbled on until, to his astonishment, he saw a magnificent hotel far in the distance. Crawling at last into the lobby, he croaked, "Please give me water.""I’m sorry, sir," the doorman said. "We don’t let anyone in without a tie."
 
 
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Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What’s that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It’s not a gong," the drunk replies. "It’s a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the otherside of the wall screams, "For God’s sake, you as*hole…it’s 3:30 in the god damn morning!"

 
 
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Sadly, Dave was born without ears. And although he proved to be successful in business, his lack of ears annoyed him greatly.

One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Why yes, I couldn’t help but notice that you have no ears" came the reply. He did not appreciate his candour and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with a woman. She was even better than the first guy and he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Well" she said, stammering, "You have no ears." Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch; a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don’t you?"

Dave was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked. The young man then fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,



















"Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no f***ing ears!

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Subject: Management – 4 Simple Lessons

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are
on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park,
they come across a Wonder lamp.They rub the lamp
and a ghost appears.
The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes
but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish.
I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no
worries.
"Pfufffff", and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted
"I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food
and cocktails."
"Pfufffff", and he was also gone ……
The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the
office after lunch at 12.35pm"
LESSON 1 : Always allow the bosses to speak first

*********************

Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing
work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent,
excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared Inside the
shredder machine.
"I just need one copy."
LESSON II : Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything

*********************

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the
way to LA.
When the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What
kind of-ese are you?"
The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don’t understand
what you mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"
Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The
American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you …
Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc..???"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked
what kind of ‘key’ was he. The American, frustrated, yelled,
"What do you mean what kind of ‘-kee’ am I?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
LESSON III : Never insult anyone.

******************************
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American
and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they
rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared.
Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle,
He said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each
of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you
shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish
will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and
shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine.
The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian’s turn, he did the same and shouted,"VODKA"
and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was
so contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool When
suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool
and shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!!………"
LESSON IV : Think twice before you say anything because sometimes accidents do happen
 
 
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A man checked into a hotel in Australia. There was a computer in
his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he
accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address, and without realizing
his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile…..somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home
from her husband’s funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail,
expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son
rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the
computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve arrived
Date: June 3, 2005

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve
just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you
then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.s It is damn hot down here !!

 
 
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Why is not a good idea to translate your English name to chinese….

(1) Ann Chang (Mandarin)- Dirty 肮脏
(2) Ann Chin (Mandarin) – Keep quiet 安静
(3) Faye Chen (Mandarin) – Dusty 飞尘
(4) Carl Cheng (Hokkien) – Buttock 卡称
(5) Monica Cheng (Hokkien) – Touching your buttock 摸你卡称
(6) Lucy Leow (Hokkien) – You are dead 鲁死了
(7) Jane Tan (Mandarin) – Frying eggs 煎蛋
(8) Suzie Leow (Hokkien) – Lost till death 输到死
(9) Henry Mah (Mandarin) – Hate your mum 恨你妈
(10) Corrine Tai (Hokkien) – Poor fellow 苦怜胎
(11) Paul Chan (Mandarin) – Bankrupt 破产
(12) Nelson Tan (Mandarin) – Bird laying eggs 鸟生蛋
(13) Carmen Tng (Hokkien) – Leg hair long 卡毛藤
(14) Connie Mah (Cantonese) – Call your mother Call 您 妈
(15) Danny See (Hokkien) – Squeeze you to death 鞑浩你死
(16) Rosie Teng (Hokkien) – Screws and nails 罗丝尬蹄町
(17) Pete Tsai (Hokkien) – Nose droppings 屁康屎

 
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Enough???….more???
 
A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husband
constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their
marriage.

While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey,
you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me
drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days
that start with the letter ‘T’, to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking
sessions. Don’t be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming
from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."

On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the
note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be
understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.

Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that
her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, "Baby,
I didn’t’ realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I’m
sorry. I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of
listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter ‘T’
to make sure that we are on the same page.

1. TUESDAY
2. THURSDAY
3. TODAY
4. TOMORROW

P.S. I love you too, and remember it’s still TODAY, I am waiting for
you upstairs."

 
 
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One day, there is an American, one Italian, a Singaporean and Bangladeshi travel around on a private helicopter.

After about one hour travelling, the American take out his cigarette(Dunhill) lighted it up and start smoking after two sip, he throw the balance of the cigarette.

The others three persons surprise and ask " Why didn’t you finish-up the cigarette before throwing ?

" He reply arrogantly " there is a lot of cigarette in my country".

Half an hour later the Italian take a bottle of branded perfume and apply on him and the rest he throw out of the window. The other three persons was surprised and ask "Why did you throw away the perfume ? ".
.

The Italian reply also "there is alot of perfume in my country"

The Singaporean don’t know what to do & suddenly push that Bangladeshi out of the helicopter.

The other two person was shouted crazyly

"Why did you push him !!!!!!!?????? " .

The Singaporean say slowly "There is a lot of Bangladeshi in my country ".

Everybody keep quiet and stayed away from the Singaporean

 
 
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Latest scam and this one is real. Be careful. I am a victim of the latest scam which is happening in shopping mall parking lots

Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her blouse. While you’re distracted, the other one lets herself in the back-seat.

Then both are begging you for a ride home. Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants.

This is when they steal your wallet.

I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

I couldn’t find them on Saturday.

 
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Great Sex Coupon

There was this fellow talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don’t you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled!"

So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How’d it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling — I’ll see you in two hours!"

 
 
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Top 14 Humor of Getting married

CASE 1
Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has,
you wish you had ordered that.

CASE 2
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger??"
The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

CASE 3
Before a man is married, he is incomplete.
Then when he is married, he is finished.

CASE 4
Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor’s degree and the woman gets her master’s status.

CASE 5
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married??"
And the father replied, "I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it."

CASE 6
Young son : "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a
man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad : "That happens in most countries son."

CASE 7
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late."

CASE 8
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes

CASE 9
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.
But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why. Affair ?

CASE 10
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

CASE 11
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn’t notice it."

CASE 12
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classified : "Wife wanted". The next day, he received hundreds letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."

CASE 13
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing : either the car is new or his wife is new.

CASE 14
A woman was telling her friend : "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" the friend asked. The woman replied, "A multimillionaire

 
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Subject: Girl who called her boyfriend a…….. Bastard!

GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.

PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that’s not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: .. Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: .Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.

PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!

 
 
 
 
 
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